Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter ‘penis.’

Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer’s response:

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!

Source: http://www.aarons-jokes.com

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It’s not always easy choosing the right domain name… but you can’t do
much worse than these people.

Firstly there is “Who Represents?” – a database for agencies to the rich and famous:

http://www.whorepresents.com

Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can
exchange advice and views:

http://www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:

http://www.penisland.net

Need a therapist? Try:

http://www.therapistfinder.com

Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New SouthWales:

http://www.molestationnursery.com

Source: http://www.aarons-jokes.com

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Now that I’ve worked in a computer company for the last few years, I’ve gained an insider’s perspective. I decided to share my
knowledge with the uninitiated by creating the following brief, handy glossary:

Alpha. Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for “doesn’t work.”

Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it’s released. Beta is Latin for “still doesn’t work.”

Computer. Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger “Duffy” Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to
overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the “Incompatible File Format” error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler’s death, and Duffy began working for IBM.

CPU. Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer’s engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning
wheel that’s powered by a running rodent – a gerbil if the machine is a old machine, a ferret if it’s a Pentium and a ferret on speed if it’s a Pentium II.

Default Directory. Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.

Error message. Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program’s shortcomings.

File. A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet – except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

Hardware. Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.

Help. What we all need. Actually, it is the feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.

Input/Output. Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.

Interim Release. A programmer’s feeble attempt at repentance.

Memory. Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety,
and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.

Printer. A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

Programmers. Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create “user-friendly” software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.

Reference Manual. Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.

Scheduled Release Date. A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.

User-Friendly. Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.

Users. Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.

* Novice Users. People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
* Intermediate Users. People who don’t know how to fix their computer after they’ve just pressed a key that broke it.
* Expert Users. People who break other people’s computers.

Source: http://monster-island.org/tinashumor/computer.html

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At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.

In addition, I have changed the days of the week, and they are now: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.

Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?

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CREATE PROCEDURE MyMarriage
@BrideGroom Char(notBad) ,
@BrideChar(Good)

AS
BEGIN

SELECTBride FROMindia_Brides
WHERE
FatherInLaw = ‘Millionaire’ AND
CarCount > 2 AND
HouseStatus =’TwoStoreyed’ AND
BrideEduStatus=’PGorAbove’ AND
HavingBrothers=’NO’ AND
HavingSisters =’No’ AND
AllowRelocate =’YES’

SELECTGold ,Cash,Car,BankBalance FROMFatherInLaw

UPDATEMyBankAccout SETMyBal = MyBal + FatherinLawBal
UPDATE MyLockerSET MyLockerContents = MyLockerContents + FatherinLawGold

INSERT INTOMyCarShedVALUES(‘BMW’)

END
GO

.

.

.

Then the wife writes the below query:

DROP HUSBAND

Commit;

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Corollary 1: The benefits will be smaller than initially estimated, if estimates were made at all.

Corollary 2: The system finally installed will be completed late and will not do what it is supposed to do.

Corollary 3: It will cost more but will be technically successful.

LAW 2: One advantage of fuzzy project objectives is that they let you avoid embarrassment in estimating the corresponding costs.

LAW 3: The effort required to correct a project that is off course increases geometrically with time.

Corollary 1: The longer you wait the harder it gets.

Corollary 2: If you wait until the project is completed, its too late.

Corollary 3: Do it now regardless of the embarrassment.

LAW 4: The project purpose statement you wrote and understand will be seen differently by everyone else.

Corollary 1: If you explain the purpose so clearly that no one could possibly misunderstand, someone will.

Corollary 2: If you do something that you are sure will meet everyone’s approval, someone will not like it.

LAW 5: Measurable benefits are real. Intangible benefits are not measurable, thus intangible benefits are not real.

Corollary 1: Intangible benefits are real if you can prove that they are real.

LAW 6: Anyone who can work effectively on a project part-time cer- tainly does not have enough to do now.

Corollary 1: If a boss will not give a worker a full-time job, you shouldn’t either.

Corollary 2: If the project participant has a time conflict, the work given by the full-time boss will not suffer.

LAW 7: The greater the project’s technical complexity, the less you need a technician to manage it.

Corollary 1: Get the best manager you can. The manager will get the technicians.

Corollary 2: The reverse of corollary 1 is almost never true.

LAW 8: A carelessly planned project will take three times longer to complete than expected. A carefully planned project will only take twice as long.

Corollary 1: If nothing can possibly go wrong, it will anyway.

LAW 9: When the project is going well, something will go wrong.

Corollary 1: When things cannot get any worse, they will.

Corollary 2: When things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.

LAW 10: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.

LAW 11: Projects progress rapidly until they are 90 percent complete. Then they remain 90 percent complete forever.

LAW 12: If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of change will exceed the rate of progress.

LAW 13: If the user does not believe in the system, a parallel system will be developed. Neither system will work very well.

LAW 14: Benefits achieved are a function of the thoroughness of the post-audit check.

Corollary 1: The prospect of an independent post- audit provides the project team with a powerful incentive to deliver a good system on schedule within budget.

LAW 15: No law is immutable.

Source: http://www.geocities.com/krishna_kunchith/humor/

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Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself.

Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth’s ecological system was most important.

God looked to Al and said, ” I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand”. God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most.

Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important.

God responded, ” I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand”. God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly.

God asked “What is your problem Bill Gates?”

Bill responded ” I think you are sitting in my chair”.

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Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets. Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer, I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store, Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond’ring, fearing, Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more. But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token. “Save!” I said, “You cursed mother! Save my data from before!” One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, Just, “Abort, Retry, Ignore?”

Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion? These were choices undesired, ones I’d never faced before. Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises. The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more. Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more, >From “Abort, Retry, Ignore?”

With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key. But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before. Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore, Saying “Abort, Retry, Ignore?”

I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard. I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore. Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations, Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before. Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before. Reading, “Abort, Retry, Ignore?”

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted. Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor. And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night. A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core. The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore. Not even, “Abort, Retry, Ignore?”

To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go. What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored, Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes? But sure as there’s C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more, You will be one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore, Pleading, “Abort, Retry, Ignore?”

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